Most of the people who know me, know this about me; I fall prey to depression. And I have been diagnosed, and treated and it was all pretty public, as I had to take a year off my college to recover, physically and emotionally.
Last month, it happened to me again. I lost hope.
It wasn’t the first time this was happening to me. I’ve been here before. At a place where I lose all the things and all the emotions holding me together and I become this shadow, this version of myself who just wants to let go. I have been here before. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. That was almost 4 years back. And it took a big toll on me. Physically and mentally. But with a lot of time, efforts and a lot of help from my mother, and some people around me, I got better.
I don’t really know how it happened this time, but depression hits like an awful swirling nightmare; it began with the idea that I was unable to concentrate properly on anything I was doing. I only just managed to get through it without falling apart. I performed poorly on some work related tasks and felt completely emotionally drained all of the time. Like a gradual fog taking over and enveloping me, then transporting me back down underground to the dark tunnel again. I felt weightless and anonymous, like nothing I would ever do will be good enough again, and as much as I tried, things always go in a downward spiral.
That’s when I went to Crossword, and spent a small fortune on books. That, always helps. Losing yourself in someone else’s words and worlds, worked for me everytime. One of the books I picked up, was The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. The book is a typical Picoult take on human beings, emotions, and shocking revelations that make us all humans. It begins with two teenagers who have a suicide pact, but only one of them is dead, and now the other one is being accused of killing her.
The more I read, the more gripping the story became; but it was not only that, it was the agony of a teenager, two teenagers so to speak, it was how sexual abuse can scar for life, it was how expectations can lead to total mental breakdowns. I was hooked. The book spoke to me, like the right book at the right moment.
Emily’s character has trifold secrets. The first part is that she is very, very depressed and can only think of one way to end her unhappiness without having to deal with the aftermath, and that is suicide. In addition, she doesn’t want to go alone and wants to be with Chris as they choose to die. In fact, when the trigger was pulled, they were both pulling it, so there is truly space for reasonable doubt about who was killing whom.
But when I finished, it hit me. Suicide. The person who kills himself/herself, and the sheer selfishness that goes behind taking that decision. Of course, being at the giving and the receiving end of this particular conversation, I know, just how helpless and hopeless a person has to be, to actually contemplate and proceed to think about killing themselves. I have been there, when I thought about nothing but just a way to end it all, all the faces in my life and all the people who were there to help me out, blurred and became redundant. Its when you are so hopeless, that nothing and no one can help you out.
But think about this. Christopher, in The Pact, was accused and sent to jail for the murder of his girlfriend, who actually committed suicide. Currently, the Indian television is buzzing about how an actress who committed suicide, was abused by her boyfriend and he is being hunted. Or how, the death of Kurt Cobain is still a mystery and Courtney Love is still in a mysterious daze of accusations about killing her husband for property.
While all these may or may not be false accusations, the fact remains, when a person commits suicide, he/she leaves a trail of injustice behind them. The only person who could answer any questions is dead and the living, accuse the near and dear ones. People you love. People whose faces blur when you take the decision to kill yourself.People who did nothing but try to help. Is it really fair? Isn’t that the most selfish thing to do? To find your escape and leaving behind a series of questions no one can answer, and feel guilty for, the rest of their lives? It that what really the dying person would have wanted? I know I stopped the minute I thought of the people who’d be left feeling guilty if I killed myself.
Isn’t it worth it, just taking a breath, a deep breath and thinking about all the good people who would be sentenced to a lifetime of guilt, just because you were weak?
Music to Help you through :
- Coldplay : Fix you
- Foo Fighters : The Best of You
- The Fray : How to Save a Life
- Jason Mraz : 93 Million Miles
- Kate Voegele : Sweet Silver Lining
Books to help through depression: http://www.buzzfeed.com/kaylayandoli/powerful-books-depression?utm_term=.lwKMAJeMP#.cyBJR9PJo
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